PREFACE
Many of us are familiar with the saying… God gave us 2 ears and 1 mouth for a reason. Inherent within these words, is an understanding that we learn more by listening than by expressing our thoughts and opinions. This behavior was encouraged in my early development years, was confirmed true in my educational years, and has held true throughout my professional career. But why has this life lesson been so influential?
Perhaps it is the result of growing up in a simple rural Montana community, where teachings of… respect your elders, or acceptance of God as the ultimate source/display of wisdom, or affirmation that listening proves more beneficial in life than what the ego can offer up. Or… maybe all of the above. In any case, how we choose to perceive what life offers is heavily influenced by the framework through which we have traveled.
Recently, I was given an article, “Navigating Unsolicited Advice in the Workplace”, from the Harvard Business Review Management Tip of the Day. In the opening paragraph of the article, words and phrases such as well-intentioned, intrusive, undermine your confidence, and respectful boundaries made clear the focus of the article. Perhaps someone’s ego had been bruised. There was just something about those words that conveyed unsolicited advice is bad. So, could nothing positive come from such advice? Or, did unsolicited advice pave the road to hell? In short, the conversation was lop-sided and offered up its own share of unsolicited advice. How ironic.
Life is a balance of opposites… hot/cold, sunny/cloudy, black/white, yin/yang. Without one, the other cannot exist. To blindly ignore the unsolicited, would give no existence, intentional or unintentional, to the advisor. To be clear, advice is not a demand. It is simply a conveyance of information that hasn’t been made previously apparent, for a variety of reasons. Advice explores an alternative to what is, can express a different view, can present a balancing force, and can light up an island in all its brilliance. How one chooses to process advice is the key to locking or unlocking the doors of opportunity.
BUILDING A BETTER FRAMEWORK
Rather than quote the complete article in full, we’ll focus on the 4 points stated on how one should apparently best deal with unsolicited advice in the workplace. Unfortunately, the advice given for each point was too brief to present reasonable, supportive arguments for each. Below are some additional comments to bring balance to the points discussed, to build a new framework of perspective.
Point 1 - Frame your idea as a decision, not a discussion.
An idea is not absolute nor a decision. Until an action is taken that represents that decision, there should always be room for input and discussion. Yes, there may be opportunities to correct bad decisions, but maybe not. Some decisions in life bring finality, and we must endeavor to minimize bad judgment.
Point 2 - Show existing support.
Validation, especially from one more experienced, can be positive. However, jumping off a bridge to follow someone else may not serve one’s initial objective. Selective choices can be positive provided the choice is revered by a majority of the population.
Point 3 - Combine a compliment with a boundary.
Control is a nemesis. It can be fundamental to survival, or it can surround one with an island. Feeding one’s ego to establish a bad decision boundary won’t withstand the test of time, not unlike icing on a burnt cake won’t sweeten the long-term memory of charcoal. Similarly, making a rash decision in haste won’t be easily defended when the clarity of 20/20 hindsight is realized.
Point 4 - Directly ask for what you need.
Given the way the comments were stated, this point seeks solicited advice. But staying in context, this point confuses “need” for “want.” Needs are fundamental to a particular outcome, such as… I need money to buy a coffee. Whereas wants can express a personal flexibility to achieve a solution, such as… I want scrambled eggs, but fried eggs will also do. By directly asking for something one “needs”, possibilities are limited, and this can increase the risks of bad decision-making.
NEW FRAMEWORKS, NEW PERSPECTIVES
As previously discussed, life is filled with opposites that bring balance. So too, do opposites of a more positive nature exist for the points made in the article. Rather than being on the offense with statements like “I’ve decided to” or “I appreciate your input, but…”, perhaps the use of softer language will invite healthy collaboration for the mutual benefit of all and better solutions.
Point 1 - Frame your idea as a decision, not a discussion.
As stated earlier, an idea is not written in stone. In lieu of having a decision already made, which absolutely cuts off any further input on a topic, perhaps a better way might be to say… “I’m thinking about doing this, but I’m not quite sure if it’s the best solution… what are your thoughts?” This recognizes the value/purpose of the advisor and invites involvement, input, exploration of alternative ideas, and teamwork.
Point 2 - Show existing support.
Regardless of where support does or doesn’t come from, the ultimate decision rests with the advisee. Trying to convince someone that a superior’s opinion is more credible than that of the advisor, is not productive. Perhaps a better framework might be… “I know my boss agrees with me, but you are a co-worker I deeply respect, and I’d like to get your feedback.” This tells the advisor that you don’t have all the answers and seeking a second opinion isn’t a bad thing.
Point 3 - Combine a compliment with a boundary.
Compliments are nice, but only when sincere. More experienced and wiser people have a sixth sense for insincerity and don’t want any part of it. So, responding to an advisor with… “Thank you, I like what you’re saying, but can you please expand on it and give me ideas on how we can meet our deadline?” A looming deadline shouldn’t drive the purpose of a conversation, especially if there’s an opportunity to improve what will be delivered.
Point 4 - Directly ask for what you need.
Dictating the type of feedback one is requesting narrows the river of possibilities. Exploring alternatives is feedback and may improve an idea. So, invite dialogue to understand each other’s position. Statements such as… “I wasn’t expecting alternatives to my idea, but can we expand on them a little and maybe we can use aspects to improve my idea?” This approach opens the doors to healthy feedback, not just those from someone soliciting the advice.
MOVING FORWARD
Our lives are filled with unsolicited advice… from parents telling us early on how adorable we look in cute clothes, to athletic coaches sharing ideas on how to improve one’s performance, to a colleague offering ways to contribute in a meeting with a very special client, to a spouse/partner asking one to not discuss certain topics at an office function. We learn from these experiences and with time, become more malleable and less rigid when considering solicited or unsolicited advice. This enables us to see how the values associated with… collaboration, listening, expressions of varying opinions, sharing of common grounds and objectives, and balance… are key to achieving one’s goals.
But truth be told, whether advice is solicited or unsolicited is not the issue. Rather, the decisions we make after receiving any advice is what matters. Do we have the character and integrity to responsibly act in the best interests of the people, businesses and communities that rely on our decision-making? Do we allow ego and personal ambitions to control the process, at the risk of poor outcomes and missed opportunities? Or… do we choose a better path? Perhaps a few guiding principles can contribute to better viewing of unsolicited advice…
1. Humans have common fundamental wants, needs, emotions, physical aspects, and desires… not the least of which is the desire to survive. To build survival capacity, a plethora of skills must be collected along the way… sharing, a necessity… hearing, a gift… listening, a luxury.
2. KISS (Keep it simple stupid). Life is complicated enough, without intentional complications. Be open to the opinions that others offer.
3. Don’t get caught on the wrong side of the 3-finger blame game. When things go bad due to poor decision-making, it is easy to point a finger of blame. But be mindful of the other 3, for they may point to the true source of discontent.
4. One may not always agree with others, but respecting their position may earn reciprocal respect. Thus, the value of sugar and honey vs. salt and vinegar.
5. We don’t have all the answers at birth to address the challenges that life will present along His path. So, we often learn through mistakes of our own or from those of others. There are no substitutes for the wisdom born of lifelong experiences.
6. It’s ok to want success. But the measurement of success is defined differently depending on the lens through which it is viewed. In western cultures, money or the accumulation of material goods can represent success. In eastern cultures, success can be a function of long-held familial, community, or spiritual values. Choose wisely grasshopper.
7. It’s ok to fail. Everybody does. It’s part of our humanity. Fortunately, we live in a society where the expression of free will is generally permitted within certain bounds. How one chooses to exercise free will after failure is key to a positive outcome, or not.
Unsolicited and solicited advice is part of life. Accept it, learn from it, be thankful for it. Never reject it, never disregard it, never minimize its value. That’s my unsolicited advice.